Your Selfish Crush on Legolas
So, you love Legolas. Worse yet you have to tell everyone about it.
It started off innocently enough when you were a child. You read Tolken’s books and came to the conclusion that Legolas, and all the other elves were your favorite. You were drawn to them because of their stoic nature, and what was described as fair good looks. When the movies came out you were a little older, and you developed a strong crush on Orlando Bloom’s portrayal of Legolas. To the point where you started writing his name with big, poofy hearts on your trapper keeper… Legolas’ name- Not Orlando. You laid around your room listening to the “Click Five” and daydreaming about how he would swoop in from a dark, and forbidden forest to rescue you from sweaty orcs by shooting three arrows at once into their chests. Then he would hold you in his arms just as you’re about to faint, and ask you softly if you were ok with warm breath that smelled faintly of lilac.
As the years pass your passions become more ‘adult’. Your fantasy no longer ended after the brief encounter where you’re protected from the writhing evils of the enchanted wood. It progressed into something more along the lines of a romance novel, but without all the ickyness of a mortal man. In your fantasy he never sweats. His skin is without defect like milky, white rice paper. And he doesn’t make the grotesque orgasm face you’ve seen your previous skinny, albino and practically hairless boyfriends make. And I want to inform you of the grave realities of the elaborate facade you’ve created for yourself.
They don’t have dicks. I’m sorry, but you know I’m right. You’ve never really imagined him with or without one. You’ve conveniently skipped past that part and jumped straight to the humping… Oh, oh- I’m sorry. I meant to say “Thrusting lustily”. But they don’t. You’ve never read about them taking a piss much less taking a crap. And if I remember correctly, I don’t remember Orlando Bloom high-five Sean Astin while saying, “Dropped a hot carl on Arwen last night!” They have no genitalia. If you won’t accept that there is a Ken doll smooth patch hidden behind his leggings, then at least accept that he only has one little hole directly between the creases where his legs meet his pelvic bone. Which occasionally emits a faint puff of talcum powder. But that’s it. Nothing else.
What were you thinking? You were going to get married? Is that how you ended your “me time” sessions on a lonely Friday night? You had to justify all that dirty touching by imagining the two of you spooning on your wedding bed? Well, he can’t get you pregnant, so that’s not going anywhere. The only way Elves have kids is when one of them sprouts from a lotus like Brahma. You think they like that? Every Time they feel emotions of ‘love’ they see another mouth to feed sprout out of a near by plant. Before you fall for Legolas’ well worn pick up line, “Your parents must be thieves, because they stole the stars and put them in your eyes” think of how many piglets he has running around the houses of other elf women. You want to be another notch on his belt? Ok. Ok. Lets say you’re the one that’s going to get him to settle down and raise your lotus kids. He’s been thinking of going to college to be an architect you know. What- you thought all that talk of building that crystal tower in Rivendell was just pillow talk? He’s been saving up gold pieces for years now to achieve that dream. You’re all over him like a cheap suit, pushing your friggin’ lotus baby on him so he’s going to have to settle for night classes at the Elf Community College to learn pipe fitting. I can tell you right now he’s not going to be happy. You’ll see him coming home from nights out with his buddies smelling like a dew hall. He’ll barely spend time with your kids, and he’ll talk down to you in front of your friends.
Then you’ll think you can change him. You think you can turn him around and make a good elf out of him. But how are you going to do that when you can’t have sex with him, we took that out of the picture. Christ, you can’t even kiss him because he thinks spit is gross. Your bodily fluids ruin his rose pedal skin. The only way you’re going to be able win him over is to be his poetic and intellectual peer. I hate to say it, but you have a lot of work to do. All those hours of ‘Gilmore Girls’ you’ve watched doesn’t make you into a mental giant. You’re going to have to read up on Shakespere, Kant, Descartes, and Sinclare Lewis. Personally, I think you should just give up. Do you really want to do that to the elf you love? Break him down into a hollow shell of what he once was? Do you really think he feels better when he overhears you telling the other elf house wives how he’s really been getting good at making clothing out of hemp? And how you keep telling him he should open up a ebay shop because he’s really talented? No. It will just cause him to reflect on all the minor compromises it took for him to reach this point. Then, one night, he’ll slip out of the quaint little home in a mound that you’re still paying the mortgage on, and leave for the Dwarf village.
Just develop a healthy obsession with a rock star like a normal person, and get on with your life.
