Amityville Horror (2005)

Amityville Horror (2005) is a perfect example of all the problems of our current sub-prime mortgage crisis.

You've got a realtor who misses the heydays of the early 00's and is so desperate to make a sale in these troubled real estate times that she knowingly sells a haunted house to buyers who are going to be shotgunned into pieces by their stepfather. Obviously having given up on the concepts of quality customer service and repeat business, this is a good reminder to all would-be buyers that the selling agent does not have a fiduciary responsibility to the buyer - the real estate agent (unless they are a buying agent) works for the seller.

One other prudent real estate agent note. In most states agents are not obligated to disclose paranormal activity in a house unless asked directly about said activity by the buyer.

You've got a broken mortgage industry willing to make obscene loans to unqualified buyers. The wife didn't work, the husband was self-employed (just starting his own business) and yet they were able to get a loan for what had to be at least a 5000 sq. ft. house on a couple acres of land overlooking a big lake with a couple of hundred feet of lake frontage and a boathouse. And you just know that 5000 sq. ft. did not include that attached space under the house that contained the hidden torture chambers of a raving holy man from the 1800s that were walled off by concrete blocks that occasionally dripped pools of blood into the basement. And the loan was probably a no-doc, 5/1 jumbo interest-only ARM with 3 points to boot.

One other prudent mortgage note. Payday loans are considered heinous and untenable by most experts and yet whereas in a payday loan the loanee typically has to pay about 2.5 times the loaned amount (usually a couple of hundred dollars) over a period of 3 years, in a mortgage loan the loanee must also pay about 2.5 times the loaned amount (which usually runs hundreds of thousands of dollars) but must do so over a period of 30 years. At least the payday loan is over more quickly.

And finally, you've got a pair of young buyers with a young family who only want to make a better life for themselves and think they should do this by going into extreme debt to finance a house where they say they are going to have to make many financial sacrifices to get it, but once they are in the house they start going out to eat and hiring help to watch the children and don't even consider selling their boat to help make ends meet. Once blood starts dripping from the walls and the family sees disgusting demonic apparitions and a priest trying to exorcize the house of demons gets the paranormal equivalent of a bitch slap and runs screaming from the house they are so upside down on the mortgage that they do not have the financial wherewithal to be able to move from the house.

One other prudent home buyer note. Folks, make sure you have an emergency fund. Wanting to go out and buy a new car when the one you have works perfectly well? Not a good use of an emergency fund. Wanting to get that 50'' plasma tv that's on sale for $3000 dollars when you current 42'' rear projection tv is still up to snuff? Not a good use of the emergency fund. Wanting to find a nice two-bedroom apartment somewhere because your possessed house is causing the voices in your head to suggest grabbing your axe and chopping up your loved ones because they are demons who want to eat your soul? Definitely a good use of the emergency fund.

One last thing - when you're buying a house, by all means get a home inspection. While most qualified home inspectors are not looking for demonic possession of a house they will most likely catch the telltale signs of pools of blood, demonic screams, furniture moving under its own power and unexplainable cold drafts. Even if they miss the paranormal activity though, they will most likely catch mold issues, termite infestations and leaky plumbing saving you – potentially - tens of thousands of dollars in home repairs and making it that much easier to move when the voices from the house start telling you do to unsavory and, frankly, icky things to your family.

300

Historical accuracy has never been the domain of Hollywood so I am simply led to believe that 300 refers not to the actual number of Greeks who battled a million would be conquerors during the Greco-Persian war but rather to the number of man nipples shown in this movie.

There were far too many man nipples in 300. Unfortunately, as the movie wore on, other issues surpassed even that of the man nippletude.

There was the king of Persia who, were he alive today, would have ended up not trying to conquer the known world but would instead be living in his mother's basement while working at the local video store (not the local chain video store - he would feel too superior to work at a place like Blockbuster, Xerxes would only work at an indie shop) and would indeed sport as many piercings as he did in the movie but instead of wearing loincloths and chains would wear t-shirts emblazoned with sayings like "Captain of the Boob Squad" and "Boobie Patrol".

There were the weird old white men living up high on the mountain who liked power, money and naked young women. Everybody did what they said even though nobody liked them or believed them. As good an analogy for our politicians and us as I could have come up with.

There was the constant cry of "freedom!" ala Mel Gibson as a Scotsman. Although, since in reality there were nearly as many slaves at the Battle of Thermopylae fighting for and supporting the Greeks as there were actual free Greeks, and women didn't have many rights in Greece at the time, I am guessing they meant what most people mean when they yell "Freedom!" - which is "freedom for me!"

Finally, the Spartans had the whole annoying Type A personality thing going on. I mean, sure, Xerxes was going for world domination, but compared to the Spartans, Xerxes was a hippie slacker who spent his days smoking reefer and doing bong hits at a commune. To say that a Spartan was wound a bit tight would be like saying Pat Robertson would, upon long contemplative reflection, perhaps be against same sex marriage.

The movie was, however, very pretty and colorful.