30 Days of Night

30 Days of Night is supposed to be about vampires going to Barrow, Alaska so they can feed for 30 days straight without sunshine. What the movie actually turns out to be about is annoying.

In these types of movies I rarely root for the vampires but in this case I was willing to make an exception as the main human characters I was introduced to at the beginning of the movie were boring and annoying - after 20 minutes or so the movie introduced the vampires who turned out to be less boring but even more annoying and I simply decided to root for no one but myself to make it through the movie without dying.

The vampires are awful. Not €œoh my goodness gracious they are the diabolical evil undead coming to suck the blood and life force out of me€ awful but rather the €œthese goth assholes screech like wounded puppies, squint their eyes like they can€™t see in the dark and dress, well, like goth assholes€ awful. These vampires were exactly like the classmates you knew in high school €“ the ones who went around wearing black mascara, black lipstick, black velvet scarves and pierced anything they could. And those were the guys. They were the ones who, while you laughed at them in a not entirely unkind way, tried to act mysterious and scary by assuming an air of superiority while threatening you with the curses of Cthulhu in a made up language.

Which is almost exactly what these annoying goth asshole vampires did. They spoke their own language and every time they tried to act scary you couldn€™t help but chuckle a bit.while thinking that, sure, yes, they could rip out my throat with a flick of their hand and throw me 50 feet across the street but they better do it fast because I€™m not sure how much longer I can contain the giggles while looking at them hiss and shake their head back and forth at me like that.

A few standout moments from the movie included:

• A woman praying to god (right before she was about to be eaten by the annoying goth assholes) being grabbed by the lead goth asshole while he theatrically looked around and said €“ in his own language, of course €“ €œGod? There is no god.€ You just knew goth asshole vampires were going to be atheists.


• The heroes making a run for it in an SUV which was stopped and then flipped over by the goth asshole vampires. We get it, they are strong and fast and not covered under any automotive insurance policy known to man.


• The token ethnic guy living in the great white north dying from a bite by the weakest and yet most realistic vampire of all €“ a little girl who, of all the vampires in the movie, had the good fashion sense to not try and pull off the goth asshole thing and instead wore a rather pleasant blue sundress with white polka dots.


• The lead goth asshole grabbing some blood from a victim (although calling the dead person a victim is rather a sticking point as at least they didn€™t have to deal with the goth assholes acting superior for the rest of the movie) and rubbing it on his head before licking his hand. Look lead goth asshole, you don€™t see me doing that with my mashed potatoes or chicken chow mein, so stop playing with your food.


• Josh Hartnett dying.

You know how I used the word €œannoying€ an annoying number of times to describe the annoying movie and the annoying characters in it? Well the movie was even more annoying than that.

Company Ltd. Inc. IV

Grimm Monkey

Henry finally pulled up to his driveway after spending the night at a bar with his friends. From his car he peered into the windows of his house and saw the all the lights were on, "crap" he thought as he got out and checked to make sure that his car was lined up in a 'normal' fashion on his driveway.

Carefully, he put the key into the lock and opened the door. He paused and listened to hear if the television was on. It wasn't. He took off his shoes and put his jacket into the closet. He peered carefully from the kitchen into the living room and saw that though the lights were on, there wasn't anyone in the room. With a sudden lightness in his step, he trotted across the living room to the sliding patio door. Once outside, he pulled a pack of Marlboros from his pocket. It was dark out, especially since he had turned off the motion sensitive yard-light. It was only by the glow of the match he had struck and held to the cigarette in his mouth that he saw the figure. 

 

 

 

It was perched on his patio table. by the light of his match, it seemed to be a tall, thin shape that curled in on it's self like an inflatable toy that had lost it's strength. He dropped his match and cigarette. In retrospect, his first reaction should of been to run back into his house, instead he paused waiting to hear if the shape emitted any sound. Slowly, he slid the glass door open behind him and felt for the switch to turn on the yard light- which happened after a few moments of fumbling. The area flooded with a mosquito resistant orange light and revealed what he had feared- a man.

It actually wasn't really a man, but a skinny, nine foot tall monkey that sat absentmindedly on his patio table. It's thin hips were planted firmly on the tables edge, with his long legs sprouting in awkward directions so that it's knees threw themselves at him like cannon barrels before it's feet tucked neatly under the table. It's torso grew up from it's hips and arced over under it's own weight and from it's compressed shoulders a neck sprouted, gnarled and muscly in an opposite arc to support it's small head. On top of it's head grew a set of antlers, like the type found on a deer. Henry sat motionless with his mouth hanging open. They both sat there in silence until, to Henry's horror, the monkey turned and looked directly at him.

"You smoking?" It said in a deep and calm voice. 

For a while Henry didn't answer. The monkey, content to wait, continued looking directly at him. Henry couldn't take his eyes off the antlers, which seemed to reach up to mingle with the branches from a neighbors tree. They were broad and bowed out, it's sprouting arms meeting at the top. For some reason, it was the antlers that seemed to strike him as the most petrifying part of the experience. Much time passed before he blinked and answered, "Yeah."

"Then it's time." It said flatly, as it continued to look at him with it's expressionless black eyes. 

"For what?" Henry asked automatically.

"I'm here to collect your soul."

"Wait, what? Why?" Henry said, his voice not seeming to be his own. 

"You're scheduled to expire tonight from a heart attack. I'm here to collect your soul."

"No!" Henry said. The monkey, still not moving just looked at him unblinking. 

After a few moments, Henry collected him self enough to look at his own body. Then he looked around his feet as if for something that had fell from his pockets. Looking up at his accuser he added, "I'm not dead... I think."

"So it seems." The monkey said immediately after Henry had finished his sentence. And with a sound like a nail being scraped against glass, a large book appeared, floating before the monkey. "It seems that there has been a miscalculation." He said smoothly, his deep voice causing the leaves to rustle on the concrete below him.

"I see." Henry replied.

"You shouldn't smoke."

"I know."

There was a long silence as they both looked at each other. "I will say good day to you then." The monkey said, the lips on it's large round mouth barely parting. 

"Holy shit, you scared the hell out of me-" Henry laughed nervously. "I saw you and I was all like, double-you tee eff!"

"That doesn't mean anything to me." The monkey replied calmly.

"Oh."

The monkey, with all it's length seemed to grow smaller at it's center, as if someone had lassoed it's ribcage and pulled it violently backwards while it's head and legs stayed stationary. With a loud popping sound it was gone, leaving only the smell of burnt hair. Henry's eyes darted around the empty area where the monkey had sat. Finally accepting that the creature was gone, he pulled one cigarette out from the pack in his pocket and lit it before crushing the container into
a small, misshapen ball.

 

Company Ltd. Inc. III