Ghost in the house

"No, really- your yard looks great!" Her small voice sang through the phone, "I haven't seen it look that good since Phil lived there."
"Really? Thanks. It took a lot of work to get that tree down, but it really opened up the area." Jason said while looking out his back window to the open yard. Clara, the old woman who lived next door was doing the same from her window twenty feet away.

"I wish my legs weren't so bad, or I would go out there and take a look."
"Oh, you're not missing anything, it's still pretty bare. I just cleaned up all the weeds and overgrown bushes. Your legs aren't any better?"
"No, no. I can't do more than move from one room to another, but that takes a long time. So I pretty much sit by the windows and look outside while I watch television." Clara added, drifting off.
"That's too bad, physical therapy isn't doing much?"
"No, I'm done with that. They gave me some exercises I'm supposed to do every day, but I can't seem to remember to do them."
"I have the same problem with using the treadmill I have in my basement, but I'm pretty busy with work and the kid... You don't really do much during the day, you should be doing the exercises." Jason said, somewhat sternly. "Right?"
"I suppose... I am getting old you know. The benefits I get from the exercise will only take me so far."



There was a awkward silence on both ends. Jason, with one hand on his hip, paced the porch while looking at his treeless yard. Clara leaned forward on her chair and almost pressed her cheek against the window to see Jason's. "I have a weird question to ask you." Jason said, finally breaking the air.
"Alright." Clara replied quietly.
"And I'm not trying to be funny- you know, with Halloween coming up and all. I'm serious."
"O.k."
"My... My toilet paper keeps disappearing."
"I see." Clara replied, "And?"
"And that's it. The shit keeps disappearing!"
"Oh my!" Clara exclaimed.
"Oh, I'm sorry."
"No, no. It's ok. I'm not that sheltered, I just haven't heard talk like that since my husband was alive."
"Oh..."
"It's ok, continue."
"Well, that's it. It keeps disappearing. My wife and I buy huge packs of toilet paper, and every time we put a roll on it disappears while we're either asleep or at work."
"That certainly is particular." Clara said faintly.
"At first I thought it was my cats, or maybe someone playing some kind of prank. But it's been almost a year and we're going crazy! The empty tube is still on the spool, but all the paper is gone. Like someone took the time to un-roll it all before leaving with it!"
"Well, that's strange..."
"Sometimes I find little pieces of it around the house, as if the person is trailing it around before taking off with it!"
"Have you checked the shed?" Clara said bluntly. Then Jason was silent as he tried to register what she had said.
"The shed?"
"Yes, that's where Phillip used to put all his unused toilet paper for the mice to eat."
"What the hell are you talking about?" Said Jason sharply.
"Phillip used to have a bad allergic reaction to toilet paper. So, he went through every brand available for most of his life."
"Are you trying to say that Phillip is coming back here to steal my toilet paper because they make him rashy?"
"Yes, he's done it to the other family that lived here before you."
"Phillip. Coming back here from whatever nursing home he's at. Just to steal my toilet paper. I don't understand what you're saying- I've changed the locks when I moved in! And why would he give a crap? He doesn't live here anymore!"
"No, Phillip died years ago."
"Wait. What?"
"Just check the shed. Like I was saying, he went through all types of toilet paper looking for a brand that didn't agitate him. He even tried making his own in the shed, but that didn't work either."
Jason stared at the shed from his porch. After a moment he prepared to say something, but stopped himself. Then he finally said, "Why didn't he just stop using it?"
"Well." Clara replied, shocked. "He has to wipe."

At that point Jason just hung up. From Clara's point of view she could see him emerge from his porch and storm over to the shed. Trying the rusty lock without results, he went into his garage to return with a crowbar. Prying the lock off the door, it burst open and a flood of billowy-white paper took flight like an army of doves into the dark autumn sky. Jason, knocked over and propping himself up on his elbows, gazed dumbfounded at the site before him.

"That's my Phil." Clara whispered to herself as the wind picked up and carried more streams of white into the air. She watched one particular stream that shot up like a column. A plane from the nearby airport flew over at a low altitude, it's currents disrupting the snowy stream so that it recoiled and snaked it's way around a neighbors pine tree.

A few weeks later Jason burnt down the shed and hauled the remnants off to the junk yard. Clara never returned any of his phone calls again.

The Meeting

They stood huddled around the coffee maker that sat on the cafeteria table by the wall when the moderator called a start to the meeting. As they made their way across the threadbare carpet toward the steel foldout chairs a latecomer stopped in the doorway and looked around. The moderator had seen the worried, reluctant look on the latecomer's face many times before, so he went over, took the latecomers hand, and brought him to a chair toward the back of the group.

The moderator opened the meeting and then invited anyone who wanted to speak - especially any newcomers - to do so. The latecomer hesitated, looked down at his hands, then stood up and said, "Hello, my name is Jesus and I'm an alcoholic."

Before anyone could say anything Jesus continued quickly, "It all started at an early age. I was at a wedding celebration with my parents and the hosts had run out of wine. My mom asked me to turn the water into wine so I did. I was a big hit."

"In high school I wasn't very popular until some friends dragged me to a party where they ran out of alcohol. When I did my little trick, well, needless to say, everyone accepted me."

"After that things started going down hill fast - instead of just making wine I started drinking it. The drinking got so bad near the end that I started doing really stupid things like turning entire city water supplies into wine and, on a drunken bet, turning the Red Sea into white wine."



"I've tried nearly everything to get off the bottle but I just can't do it so some friends suggested I try it here. I was hoping to learn a little more about your program."

Jesus sat down and looked at the moderator expectantly.

"Well," began the moderator, "the first step is to admit that you are powerless over your addiction."

Jesus nodded his head. "That's true enough."

"Then you have to believe that a power greater than yourself can restore you to sanity."

"Hmm, I'm not so sure about that one, I'm a pretty powerful guy. What's the next one?"

"You have to turn your will and your life over to the care of God as you understand God."

Jesus leapt from his chair, "Are you serious! You know what happened to me the last time I did what That Guy told me to do? I ended up nailed to a damned tree!"

Jesus strode from the room. After the door stopped shaking in its frame the moderator went around to all the members of the group, took their cups from them and said, "Perhaps we should stop drinking the coffee and Kool-Aid, just for tonight."

Al Qaida E. Coli Connection?

E. Coli cases, including one death, linked to tainted spinach have been reported in 19 states as of this afternoon while an Iranian al Qaida extremist Muslim group warned that the West was doomed.

The Mujahedeen Shura Council, an umbrella organization of Sunni Arab extremist groups, issued a statement on a Web forum vowing to continue its holy war against the West. The MSC said, "We have long studied Western culture and discovered the key to your strength through a popular cartoon character named 'Popeye'. Yes, West, we now know that spinach is the root of all of your strength so is it not now ironic that, through our intervention, spinach shall be your downfall?"

The spokesman continued, "We are the Bluto to your now spinachless Popeye, West, and shall soon achieve the Olive Oil of victory."

The FBI is monitoring the situation said FBI spokesman Randy Keiko. Keiko added, "Frankly, we don't know what the heck this Mujahedeen Shura Council is talking about. The FDA, DHS, FBI, CIA, NSA and DOD has looked into this and there's no evidence of tampering. The FBI's involvement in the E. Coli case is a routine and precautionary measure and is not indicative of any suspicious activity."



But nobody believes him because that's what they always say.

In fact, a representative of the MSC had the following to say concerning Agent Keiko and the FBI, "Liar liar pants on fire," continuing with, "socks on fire, shirt on fire, soul on fire and head cut off." The representative finished with, "No virgins for you!"