Chapter 3

¹Gosh Almighty was smoking with Joseph ²and He did bum all the ganja and not offer to pay. ³Joseph did grumble, but not too loudly, and thus missed the punch line to His joke.


⁴"What?" Asked Joseph.

⁵The Lord Gosh Almighty did say through many giggles, "The guy behind the door says 'Dave's not here, man.'"

Astronomy with Kevin

It was just after midnight late in Sepetember. The air was cool and the sky was clear as Kevin and John trampled the long grass underfoot, to reach the center of the field they had just entered. Both were wearing thick, wooly sweaters while carrying long boxes with both hands. They continued without speaking, following the shaky ball of light on the ground that emitted from Kevin's flashlight which was tucked under his armpit. Finally, Kevin stopped and gently put his box down. Then, pulling his flashlight out from under his arm, he turned to John so he could have some light as he did the same. John put the box down and carefully opened it up. Inside were a jittering collection of lenses and bellows. Kevin turned to his own box and opened it to reveal a long, antique telescope which lay next to varnished, wooden tripod legs.

"If you could warm up the sight for me while I assemble this..." Kevin said quietly as he delicately pulled the tripod legs out and lined them up carefully on the ground. John pulled out a small, metal tube and held it between his hands.
"I'm glad you invited me to come out here with you," John added, while he watched Kevin meticulously piece together the tripod and telescope mount. His back was turned to John while his flashlight lay on the ground pointed up before him. To John, it looked as if Kevin were squatting over a small fire, the edges of his form highlighted while the rest of him was silhouetted. "I've always admired your dedication to preserving the classic equipment for observing the sky."
"I knew you were the only one who understood me." Kevin said quietly. And it was true. Kevin was considered a 'loose cannon' by the astronomy club they both attended every Thursday night at the community center. He dressed in suits from the Victorian era. Sported a walrus mustache, and his attendance normally involved some argument with another patron who's points were pock-marked with terms like "sellout". Once, as someone showed off their new Schmidt-Cassegrain Reflector with computer-assisted Altazimuth fork mount, Kevin snatched it and hurled it out the door. Laughing as it's plastic body shattered when it slid down the marble hallway. Of course, he was thrown out by the community center's security. The entire class stared blankly in disbelief at the broken equipment, as Kevin's voice shouted in the distance something about their all being a 'collective prolapsed anus'. John himself wouldn't of paid any interest in Kevin if it wasn't for a speech he once made about the importance of preserving and caring for older instruments, and how the act of finding the star was just as important as viewing it. Something in that touched his sense of romance with the night sky. A feeling that got him interested in the hobby to begin with. He felt that he was in the presence of a genius, and a decaying figure. The type of person who wouldn't be around in the amateur astronomy world twenty years from now.


"Lets sit for a moment while we wait for the lenses to reach the environmental temperature." Kevin said once his telescope was set up and level. "We can enjoy a libation from the thermos I had you carry for me."
"Oh, that's what it was for." John replied, twisting his torso to look for it. He loved to hear Kevin talk. It was like a page out of a Sherlock Holmes novel. And the added treat of having to carry a thermos which he wasn't allowed to know the contents of until now only enhanced that.
"Indeed."
"So, what are you going to try to look for tonight?" John asked.
"Tonight my good friend, we will be gazing on the Andromeda galaxy located at the crux of Pegasuses brisket!"
"Oh, I'm sure that will look great."
"Quite."
"Anything else?"
"Of course my good man, We will look for Messer 13, the globular cluster which can be found nestled deep within the bosom of Hercules breast."
"Oh, ok. we'll be able to get a good view of that with your equipment?"
"Naturally."

As they sipped their whiskey the brass telescope cooled. Eventually they pointed it toward the Andromeda galaxy. Kevin, being the only one allowed to touch it, was the first to peer through the lens. He emitted a small gasp of delight. "So beautiful. The delicate, pink mist that floats effortlessly through the heavens..." He whispered, as he took John by the wrist and guided him over to the telescope. John peered in awe at how through the cloudy edges, he could see it clearly in the center. 'This is how my great, great grandfather must of seen it- if he were ever into astronomy.' He thought to himself.
"Just the sight of it," Kevin cut in, "Just the site of it alone inspires one to write poetry. Or paint the finest work of art..."
John was enjoying Kevin's narration as he looked through the dusty glass.
"... In my pants." Kevin chirped, trying to stifle a laugh which sounded more like a bird than a man.
"What?" John said, turning toward Kevin.
"Nothing my good man- and now! We turn toward Messer 13!" Kevin bellowed, and with a flair he spun the brass tube around toward the constellation of Hercules. There was a awkward silence as he hurriedly adjusted his lenses. John kept running Kevin's last comments through his mind with disbelief. He couldn't believe that Kevin would say something so out of character.
"Ah ha!" Kevin finally bleated. And there she is, in all her milky glory." He hissed, guiding John back toward the eyepiece. John resisted. Though he leaned in toward the lens, he continued to look at Kevin with disapproval.
"Like pearls spread across a black tapestry, they gesture man toward notions of the infinite. Closer to the beauty of what our Gods have created." John looked. And he was right. His previous feelings of distrust dissipated at the sight of what looked to be a million, glittering jewels bursting out from some unseen sack, and he told Kevin that in just those words.
"That's what she said." Kevin muttered, twittering to himself.
"What?!"
"Well, you set that one up!" Kevin said, covering his mouth.
"Jesus Christ! I thought you were serious about amateur astronomy!"
"My good man. For you to accuse me of not taking this seriously is an unforgivable offense!"
"What do you expect me to think? You've been making cock-jokes since we got here."
"Calm down. Everyone acts differently when out in the night with good friends. Plus we've had some whiskey, which causes one to relax their social restrictions. In my case, my humor degenerates to the type of talk that should only be held among men. I apologize if I have caused offense."
"Ok then. Fine, lets just continue."
"Quite. And now!" Kevin announced, spinning the telescope around on it's stand, "We will gaze lovingly upon Uranis!"
"That's it." John said as he turned and trudged through he grass to his car. Kevin didn't follow him, he continued to stand at his telescope giggling to himself. A hideous giggle that John could hear even from the parking lot.

Chapter 2

¹Mary and Joseph were making out behind the garden shed when By Golly appeared to them as a booming voice and said, ²"Mary, you are with child."

³Mary stopped doing to Joseph what her friend Esther had taught her and asked, "Joseph, did you hear something?"

⁴"Joseph said, "Nope, now keep doing that thing you were doing, that was nice."

⁵They began making out again.

⁶By Golly cleared His throat, "Ahem," yet they continued to make out.

⁷By Golly said, "Excuse me," yet they continued to make out

⁸By Golly yelled, "Hey!" and the two stopped making out and looked around perturbed.

⁹By Golly said, "Mary, you are with child."

¹⁰"What!" yelled Mary.

¹¹"What!" yelled Joseph.

¹²"I've never been with anyone-"

¹³"You said you wanted to wait until we were married so it would be special-"



¹⁴"Enough!" said By Golly. "I am the Lord Gosh Almighty who has come here as By Golly and will be born unto you as, um, hmmm -"

¹⁵"Wait a minute," said Joseph lighting a blunt. "I've got to mellow out for a second." He took a couple hits and continued, "You're three gods in one?"

¹⁶"That's right. I'm the Trifecta - the Father, Son and Holy Spirit."

¹⁷"Golly Gee," said Mary. "That's neat."

¹⁸"Golly Gee?" Asked He. "I like the sound of that."

¹⁹"A Trifecta?" asked Joseph.

²⁰"Yes. I am the Trifecta. The Father, Son and Holy Spirit. The Lord Gosh, By Golly, and born unto you, Golly Gee."

²¹"So you're your own son?" Asked Mary. "Isn't that a little redneck?"

²²"Yeah," said Joseph, "we're not raising a hillbilly baby."

²³"No no no," said By Golly, "it's not like that at all. I am the Trifecta, but not in an icky way. It helps if you're like me - all-knowing - to understand it."

²⁴"Okay," said Mary and Joseph looking at each other, not completely sure, but they figured who were they to go against the Lord Gosh Almighty.

²⁵"Hey," asked By Golly, "can I get a hit?"

Chapter 1

¹In the beginning was a persistent Humming, and the Humming was slightly out of tune and frankly a little louder than it needed to be but you could tell that there was an effort and love of the Humming, so that was okay. The Humming was He and He was the Humming, and He liked the Humming and said, "Gosh." ²He also liked the sound of 'gosh' and He named Himself so.

³Gosh Hummed while making all things and all things were made while He Hummed and all things that weren't made weren't made while He wasn't Humming. ⁴For He so liked humming that without Humming He would make nothing.

⁵Gosh gazed upon all he had Hummed into existence and felt pride ⁶(but that was okay because the seven deadly sins did not apply to Him). ⁷He was so uplifted in spirit when He gazed upon His creation that He said, ⁸"By Golly." ⁹And he liked 'by golly' so much that He said it every time he was uplifted in spirit. ¹⁰Thus He named His spirit By Golly.



¹¹He then looked down upon the humans on earth and thought they looked like they were having a lot of fun and thought He would partake of the fun. ¹²So He went down to earth but nobody would play with Him, ¹³for every time someone saw Him they would cry out in fear and fall onto their knees in awe. ¹⁴He stayed on earth a while and waited for them to stop it but they didn't so He returned to heaven. ¹⁵He then tried going down to earth as By Golly but By Golly manifested as a burning bush and the humans kept dousing him with water.

¹⁶He went back to heaven and thought to Himself, that wasn't fun. ¹⁷So He decided to go to earth as human, ¹⁸well, kind of human, ¹⁹you know, mostly human with a little divine, ²⁰but definitely the divine was there, ²¹as was the human, ²²did I mention the divine? ²³Not that, being divine and all, he'd take advantage or anything, ²⁴you know, like by cheating on a math test or something.

4th of July Vacation

He was half dozing in the beach chair, with one arm laying limply over the edge of the arm rest so that his fingertips played gently on the hot sand. A warm breeze came in off the lake and swirled around him, causing his hair to flitter across his forehead and provoke him into opening his eyes. Ahead of him, wading in the water was his wife and one year old daughter. The daughter was screaming and trying everything she could to keep from getting in the water when his wife playfully dipped her feet in. He smiled as he watched them, and one could tell from the look on his face that he was drifting back to sleep with memories of his own fourth of July trips in his childhood. Just as he was about to close his eyes for the last time, he suddenly popped one eye open to look across the beach. Standing down the beach was the spitting image of himself, with skinny frame and homemade tattoos trailing up his ankles- even down to the cheap Target brand swim trunks.

The man down the beach caught eye of him as well, and they both stood staring at each other. Unlike himself, the other man looked beaten down, as if he had spent too many years in the sun and had lived a hard life. The man walked closer, slightly hunched over as if peering under something to get a better view, he could see that his hands were large with raised veins as he finally reached the man on the beach chair and held his hand out to shake. "Say there, I'm Pete." He announced with a thick, southern drawl, which was hard to understand since his words came out like he was rolling them around marbles. "I couldn't help but notice you there- I swear, you're the spittin' image of myself."
"Pat. Hi. Where are you from?"
"Georgia, a little town called Hopkins. And you?"
"Hopkins... Minnesota." Pat Replied, still staring quizzicly at the man who towered over him, blocking out the sun.
"That's quite the coincidence there Pat." He shot, his hands now placed firmly on his hips looking almost angry in his confusion. "What's your last name?"
"Beyer." There was a silence that followed, which caused Pat to get up and face his aggressor. "And you?"
"Meyer."


"Well, uh..." Pat stammered. Suddenly trying to ease the tension, "That's weird."
"Ever heard of a doppelganger there Pat?" Pete added, almost insultingly.
"Yeah, but if two doppelgangers meet, don't they both suddenly stop existing or something?"
"I wouldn't know about that, I never went to college. How about you- Pat?"
"Three years, didn't finish."
"Finish Highschool did ya?"
"Yeah, but barely. How about you?"
"Never did."
"Oh."
"Got yer parents still?"
"What do you mean?" Pat asked, almost surprised by the question.
"Still alive?"
"Oh, yeah. They are. Why do you ask?"
"Cause mine are dead."
"Oh, sorry." He said, looking out to the beach at his wife and daughter.
"My Grandma once told me a story about how we all have a double..."
"Oh!" Pat interrupted. "You have a large family?"
"No, she's dead now."
"Oh."
"If you're finished, I was going to say-"
"Sorry."
"Yeah. I'm sure. She said that for every bad thing that happens in our lives, our double has something good happen to them."
"That's interesting." Pat added, cautiously.
"Ever been to prison?"
"No." He replied, too nervous to ask if he had.
"Get beat up often as a kid?"
"No, not really."
"Ever go out drinkin' and wake up in an airport wearing someone elses clothes, with a pistol in your coat pocket?"
"What are you gettin' at Pete?"
"What I'm sayin', is that while I've dealt with every bad thing God could throw my way, you look to have lived pretty well. You're all lilly-white, like you've never worked a full day out of doors. Your face ain't all tore up like mine from fightin' and you have the body of a nine year old boy. That your wife and kid over there?"
"Uh, yeah."
"Yeah, that's mine over there." Pete said, pointing with his thumb over his shoulder to a large woman with equally larger hair pouring beer all over her chest while screaming at the top of her lungs. Next to her was a small, unwashed boy who was crying.
"I don't like the way my life turned out, and I finally got someone to blame. And I'm going to kick your ass, milk-toast."
"Hey, it's just a story your Grandma told to fuck with you. You shouldn't take this so seriously."
"You saying my Gran's was lyin?" Pete yelled as he hauled off to hit Pat square in the face. Pat, flinching, held his iPod up to defend himself. Pete's knuckles snagged a corner of the slim, expensive device and sent it flying straight back into his own face- creating a slash that started above his eyebrow, down over his eye and into his cheek. This shock made Pete loosen his fist and miss his aim, so that his outstretched fingers ran through Pat's messy hair- straightening it, and  leaving it perfect with a nicly groomed part down one side. Pete fell to his knees holding his bleeding face. Pat stood over him as his adrenaline faded, and after a moment of watching Pete sob with blood oozing from between his fingers, Pat put his hand down on Pete's head as it to pet him like one would a weeping child. But when he pulled his hand back, a large tuft of hair came out of Pete's head.
"Oh, weird... Honey?!" He called out to his wife, "we should feed the baby, it's getting late."

As he walked back to his hotel room, he looked back at Pete. His wife and other friends had crowded around him to see what the matter was, and his wife was stumbling while trying to pour beer into his wounds. "Hon?" Pat said, turning to his beautiful family. "I don't do enough risky things."
"Oh yeah?"
"I'm going to take up something fun, like sky-diving."
"What brought that on?"
"Oh... Nothing." He said smugly. Then he winked to his imaginary audience just past his wife's head.
"Who are you winking to?"

03 July 2006

Dear Diary,

I am very sorry for not having written for so long, but much has happened recently!

After a difficult but satisfying first day on the job I was eager to start my second, so I got up early, snorted my allotment of cocaine and then watched the sunrise.

The colors were so vivid!

While I was watching the sunrise, I noticed a glint in the forest surrounding the secret cocoa farm. I didn't know what to do, it was only my second day on the job and I didn't want to raise the alarm and risk looking like a fool in front of jefe, Juan and the guys if it turned out to be nothing but I didn't want to do nothing and risk having the camp overtaken by Federales or another cartel.

Such a pickle!

Luckily the decision was made for me when I took a bullet high in the shoulder. I raised the alarm. Jefe got the thugs to form a defensive perimeter and put in a call to Ricardo Carlos asking for backup.

The thugs put up a good fight but they were outnumbered, so I jumped in, grabbed a gun, and helped out where I could. Soon enough the backup arrived and we were able to repel the enemy forces. It turned out they were Federales - those bastards. Who are they to try and keep the working man down!

Anyway, after all the excitement we cleaned things up. Jefe said he was very proud of my courage and promoted me instantly to Peon II. Peon II! He said from there I could go on to be a Thug I, Mule I or a Lab Assistant I. I don't know about the lab stuff, that all seems so complicated, but being a drug mule or a thug sure sounds interesting. The Mule I position pays more, but it is a 90% travel position so I'll have to talk it over with Maria to see what she thinks.

That evening Ricardo Carlos himself came to the secret cocoa farm, shot the informer, and congratulated all of us for doing such a good job defending and then cleaning up the farm. We were all very proud.

Ricardo Carlos and jefe threw a party for us and they invited me outside to talk about something private. I was so nervous, I was going to meet the Ricardo Carlos! Jefe told Ricardo Carlos of my role and showed him my wound. Ricardo Carlos was very impressed and said that he was glad to have a man like me in his organization. He started reminiscing about his early days of being a peon and how he had taken the thug career track instead of the drug mule one. Ricardo Carlos said he had no regrets about that choice, but he did wish the he had traveled a bit more when he was younger.

Ricardo Carlos then told me that I should go home because when I got there a surprise would be waiting for me. He shook my hand and left.

Ricardo Carlos actually shook my hand!

Jefe, Juan, and the guys all congratulated me and the next morning I took off for home after only two days on the job.

So here I am, Diary, six days out from the secret cocoa farm and one day from Maria, my home and a surprise from Ricardo Carlos.

I wonder what it will be!